Last night I stayed up too late.
But I was wired.
After spending the day with my 4 year old and taking care of a list that didn’t include any of the fun things I wanted to do (welcome to grown-up world, Angie), it was hard to go to bed.
A Christmas tree lit before me. A quiet house. A racing mind. It all added up to OPPORTUNITY.
So I took the opportunity to journal and work through a few things that were on my heart.
Here are the results…
First of all, blogging has clearly taken a backseat the last couple months. There are a number of reasons for this, and at the top of them is an exceptionally long and arduous harvest season. Harvest was brutal. I can’t even start to tell you about it without all the exhaustion and frustration sweeping over me like a tidal wave, so let’s skip those details.
Another reason I haven’t been blogging as much is because my writing time has been devoted to speaking preparation. I’ve been privileged to speak at several events the last few months and so I’ve really focused my time on those.
But let’s be honest. If I was intentional about it, I could be blogging more. It’s not like I’ve run out of things to say. In fact, that’s the furthest thing from the truth. And maybe part of my hesitancy.
I’ve found myself second guessing myself about a lot of my topics lately.
“Oh, you’ve talked about that before.”
“Whatever. No one needs you to say that.”
“Just, stop. That is so useless. Why do you even have a blog?”
Pretty pathetic, I know.
I am NOT digging for reassurance here. I know better.
But I think I AM wrestling with some insecurities because I have some big ideas about where I want the blog and my speaking career to go in 2015. I’ve thunk up some goals and a plan and I’m taking steps to make changes.
And it’s kinda scary.
Ok, it’s really intimidating.
What if I don’t follow through?
What if my content isn’t relevant?
What if this great idea gets wasted on my cluelessness and goes no where?
I can’t bear the thought of any of it.
I can’t bear it.
Which is why I have to ignore the questions and doubts and just get on my horse and ride it.
It’s not like I’m the only one out there who is taking a risk.
It’s not like I’m the only one second guessing big ideas.
I don’t really believe that my content is irrelevant. Do I?
No, I don’t believe that.
All the evidence points to making this happen. All the evidence says the time is now. All the day dreaming and the prayers and the late night talks and journal entries have brought me to now: when the work begins and the vision is transformed into real life. My life.
Can I really go about my day without trying this?
Could I get a “real” job and abandon this journey?
Could I ignore the pull on my heart to speak and write?
There is no doubt I have to move forward on this. It might not pay the bills, but it will reap the satisfying rewards of community and obedience.
Even if it doesn’t work.
Even if it’s not ultra successful.
Even if my confidence wavers and my efforts aren’t pristine.
It’s waiting right there in front of me.
All I have to do, is GO.
“Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.”
I know I’m no Abraham. But the point here is that God says “GO and I will take care of the rest.” He doesn’t say GO but only if you are ready. Or GO but only if you feel like it. He says GO.
GO and I will lead you and prepare a place
and show you and guide you
and speak for you and move you
and teach you.
All you have to do is GO.
This applies to being a parent or a spouse or going to work today.
It applies to reaching out to a friend in need or a stranger in desperation.
It applies to his commandment to love Him and love our neighbor.
Set the self-doubt aside.
Looking forward to sharing my big changes with you soon! Stay tuned!